2024.

I had a realization lately.

I used to want to run away.

From everyone and everything.

I wanted to pack my bags and leave

without notice.

I wanted to run to the edge of the earth

and sit there

alone.

That was peace for me.

Now? I still want to run.

But I want to take my loved ones with me.

I want to uproot our lives and discover somewhere new; together.

That sounds like peace to me.

Tonight I’m self-destructing.

3, inhale

2, exhale1…

Today.

Today I am breaking.

The drive home was silent. 

Until I was hit in the chest by life’s fist.

One second I was singing,

The next?

“Fuck, I need to cry”

So, I did.

I cried for hours.

I cried until I couldn’t see anymore.

I cried until the weight I’d been holding on my shoulders slipped off as each tear on my cheeks did.

I cried until I could breathe again.

Life loosened it’s grip on my lungs and my heart and let me see again.

I feel better now-

not great, but better.

Thank you, life, for making me check in with myself tonight.

Tomorrow I’ll hit the ground running again.

“We miss you.”

I miss me too.

The Hunt.

I keep hunting down a feeling. Any type. 

Is it pain?

Adrenaline?

Some sort of fucking high.

Make me feel something-

anything other than this nothingness that’s consumed me. 

Nothing is my something tonight.

Jan. 2021

Don’t do it.

Don’t lose yourself again. Take what you’re experiencing and assess it. Strip it to the core and pull it apart. 

Understand it. 

Accept it. 

Don’t ignore it again. 

It won’t disappear and you know it. Stop pushing it away because it will come back. 

Acknowledge it. 

Embrace it. 
Wake up. You’re doing it again.

Feb. 2019

You can find ambition in heartbreak-
and at the same instant 

a deep pain you’ve never known.
 
It will pull you from the depths, 
rip you out of your own mind
and strip you down to your bones.

Bare.

Vulnerable.

Suddenly-
You’ve found a piece of yourself 
that has everything left to lose.

Heartbreak will conquer you.

It can catch you in a moment of 
success
and bring you to your knees. 

Heartbreak can tear you down,
not long after putting you at ease.