Friday the 5th

I will not shed another tear. I won't allow myself to dwell on something that hurt me so deep. Something that made me feel so much less of myself... how unfair; to allow myself another moment of pain.

Tomorrow I'll Choose Warmth

Today I woke up surrounded by darkness. The world was shades of grey and the weather was bitter. It's days like today when I'm not sure what to do with myself. Do I curl up in a ball and wait it out? Or do I leave everything behind in search of some sort of fulfillment? In search of color. And warmth. I dreamt of sunsets on the beach, long grass tangled between my toes, and sun kissed skin. But this morning my mind was dark. Today, I chose the darkness. I chose comfort. Tomorrow, I'll choose warmth.

What was it?

When I'm anxious I do stupid shit. I'll laugh too loud while everyone else is quiet, I'll dance to a song that people think is sad. I'll try to say "How are you?" and it comes out "What was it?". I know, that doesn't make any sense. There's been times when I've hesitated opening my mouth, in fear that I would say the wrong thing. Because usually that's the way it seems. It could be the anxiety that quiets the room I'm in while I'm cracking up to myself. Maybe they're all laughing. Maybe they're all dancing too.

Same old shit.

I worry a lot. I lose sleep wondering where people are, if they're okay, when I will see them again. I have trust issues. Sometimes instead of getting a "gut feeling" I get more of a sharp pain in the middle of my body, that sends me into a fury of movements trying to find comfort in the ball my body makes. It makes me feel a little dizzy, even sick in a way, and somehow my brain makes all these little signs (or the lack of) line up. I have trust issues.